Performance and Co-Dependancy

Im not there yet. By Far.

But Ive realized now why I have it so wrong.

From my earliest memory of childhood I have been taught that to be in a real authentic relationship with me meant that you could depend on me 100% of the time. And if I was not dependable I was a failure.

I am so dysfunctional - I only know how to have genuine relationships where I am the 'dependable' one. And if I cannot be dependable for you then I will avoid a 'real relationship'. And even in that 'dependable' relationship, if for even a second, the slightest smidgen of my failure becomes known to you - I withdraw.

This is SO messed up. It is SO not Christ-like.

This dependency has become a power that I abuse.

If you are dependent on me, I force you to do my bidding by withdrawing 'my support'. The threat of abandonment controls you. It has controlled me my whole childhood and still does to this day.

And here is the new bit for me - it is inhibiting me from the giving AND receiving of true love. After 32 years of life on this earth, I still don't know Gods true unconditional love for me. I cannot separate it in my mind from my own performance for him.

And even after 10 years of marriage, I still seek to 'earn' my wifes love. What an unbelievable insult to the woman who continues to stand by me in sickness and health.

This has to stop now. I don't want to miss another minute of grace and love.

So I need to publicly say this - this is me coming out of the closet!

I am a flawed and broken man. The very root of my soul is wounded and fractured. I cant pretend any longer. I am a failure, I am weak, I am disabled.

I need Jesus.

The End Game : My greatest weakness

I'm not a good person for new year resolutions. Though a good start can really make the difference to a person, I'm going to try an reflect instead on the end - the final outcome.

My first question to myself is simply - What are the end goals of my efforts?

The next question is easy - am I actually trying to achieve that? (I answer 'no' to this one)

And now the hard question - what am I doing wrong?

Its a hard question for me because I am forced to be accountable. Im forced to evaluate myself and confront those areas of darkness that I like to hid. I hate being exposed. Who does?!

So in the spirit of honesty and determination to live out my end game I want to expose my greatest weakness.

I am so inclined at times to feel sorry for myself, that it destroys me.

I don't know where it came from - I'm sure I learned the skill during childhood. But in either case it only breeds my rebellion, my anger and fuels my pride. It causes my selfishness, my close minded nature and ultimately my own self destruction. I become filled with contempt and bitterness.

While I may not be feeling this just now, I know this is my 'Kryptonite' to what my end game is.

Please pray for me, that I can overcome this. I want the life that Jesus desires for me, that I truly believe he reveals in scripture.

I want my kids to see and know this life too.